US Biz Trip Memories (30 Sep to 2 Oct)

wow... its been many many weeks since i last pen anything.. so much things had happened in between..... went for a hectic US biz trip where my total travel time was more than my actual land time in US.. thats memorable.. haha.. i've had so many breakfast on the plane because of the time zone.. n i've had my first ever instant noodle on a plan and its a super small bowl (just like the kid's size noodle cup that u see in the supermarket) plus a pair of kids size disposable chopsticks.. at least thats what it looks like to me.. but it sure match the instant noodle bowl.
haha. must remember never to take united airlines again.. unless u dont mind not having yr own individual screen... .. i flew from SG to JP on the early morning flight after F1... wow.. airport and plane was super crowded and i got my personal screen.. JP to San Francisco .. there was no screen.. and i should have stopped and grab something at Narita airport,.. it was a long wait before the next meal was served... :(
well.. overall.. it was a fun but extremely tiring trip.. my 1st ride on a propellor plane..wow.. mini plane.. with only 20+ seats..

Brother's dream

Mum told me over dinner that Brother had dream about Grandma again.. she was telling him that she has a lot of money already and its enough already...
when i probed further with brother.. he refused to comment more and say .. 'dont have la... '... in his 'dont bother me' voice....
i shut up... why cant he share in more details so that we can have a better understanding..
why... but thats my brother .. that's his style...

Flashback

Today.. i saw something which caused me to be in daze for a while..
someone from Mum's block had passed away & when me & Keng Siong came back.. they were setting up the altar.....
We had parked at the front of the block near the lift lobby...
Mum wanted to go Dad's shop for accupunture and I volunteered to send her there as Keng Siong seems tired..
never had i expect to see what i saw when i step out of the lift, turn right and walk towards the car....
I saw the truck from SFS (Singapore Funeral Services).. the door was lifted up halfway.. and i saw the coffin and the dead person wrapped up in white cloth lying beside the coffin..
i was dumbstruck.. i was shocked.. i dont even know what to say...
i had to walk past it to get my car.. the truck was parked perpendicular to my car.. luckily i can drive out at an angle as there was no other cars parked beside mine.
Mum did not see it.. i confirmed with her as she was busy looking at the altar to see if it was someone that she knew from the block..
we chit chatted about some stuff along the way... i cant recalled what we talked about at all now...

On the way driving back.. i had a flashback.. not even sure if thats the correct word to use.. i saw Grandma in that exact situation.. tied in white cloth at the hospital and when the parlor service brought her back home... it hurts.. it really hurts...

I was just telling Keng Siong that i had almost tore out the red tape at mum's void deck last night when i walked back to collect something.. but there was someone standing at the lift lobby so i did not do that.. He was telling me that its not the physical red tape that is bothering me.. its the tape in my mind... (for those who are not aware what i am talking about.. at Gandma wake.. we had stick some red tape around the floor to warn people of the uneven surface and it was still there as no one had tore it off.. there were about 4-5 strips of red tape and each tape will measure easily about 1 metre. so u can imagine how obvious it look against the grey floor of the void deck)

All men in family sick.. POOR me

Its been a while since i blog.. too busy with work and too busy taking care of all the men in the family..
Imagine... all the men in the family sick.. ARGH.. never want to be in that position again..
24th Aug week was terrible for me.... Jonas was down with viral fever, Keng Siong down with flu and Jovan was still recovering from a bad bout of Bronchitis and had to be on neubilizer.
Luckily for that few days when Jonas had fever, Mum offered to help me look after Jovan at night... if not.. i will really tire myself out.. n will be the next one to be down..

imagine this.. Jonas was sleeping in study room, Keng Siong was in master bedroom and i was on the study room floor.. exhausted.. checking ever so frequently on Jonas.. taking temp.. sponging him if he is higher than 38... The next day.. Keng Siong was also down with fever and Jonas was confirmed as stomach flu.

Keng Siong had a good nagging from me... whenever the kids are sick.. he will def join the crowd... I must remember to kick his bum if it happen again..
I remembered the Doc was looking at me pitifully when i brought Jonas n Keng Siong to the doc.. she was telling me to load up on Vitamin C and drinks lots of water & catch rest in between..
HAHA.. how i wished.. i was already very sleep deprived from the prev weekend when Jovan has to be on neub every 4 hrly round the clock...

Luckily, all is ok now.. even Jovan got the OK from the Pedi to be off the neub today... phew.. Thank God for it..
i had spent $700+ on Jovan medical bills this time round...n i am super poor this mth... with the 2 dresses i bought for Sis's wedding, the Mt Alvernia bills that i had paid when Keng Siong walked straight into the kitchen glass door and got a cut on his forehead and requires all the scanning & ECG etc cos his blood pressure was low and he felt giddy...
:) my credit card bill for this mth is BIG....

My Alarm Bell Rings

Alarm bell rings.. i had been feeling on & off these few days.. in fact for nearly a whole week since i recovered from flu... on last friday.. my left upper lip started twitching.. i got the shock of my life.. i had just read an article about stroke.... my parents quickly came over and i had accupunture.... on monday.. it happened again.. i was just resting after my lunch of instant noodle when my left lip twitch again and my left cheek felt numb and i felt giddy..
Panic..... i closed all the windows. cancel my meeting and rushed a cab to my dad TCM shop.. my blood pressure was at 140/90.. very high... i had accupuncture all over my head, face & arm
i felt better after the treatment.. i was so worried about getting stroke.... thought of how Granny passed away also came to my mind.. i was physically & mentally exhausted... Dad keep asking me to cut down on fried food.which i had already done some time ago. it was my irregular schedule of meals...

LQ's Food Tasting

We had food tasting for LQ's wedding on 2 Aug.. it felt strange.. i was expecting to see Granny there... she was also in my food tasting..
Food was good and we started talking abt the sequence of the day event.
I was somber when we started about the timing to offer prayers to the ancestors. Granny should be at the event and not as a place to be offered incense to... but thats a fact that we can no longer reverse...... she would have been smiling ear to ear...............

I lost count

I lost count.....Time really flies...
its 125 days today and its National Day.. I only have very vague memories of what had happened since Jul 14 till now..
I remember that we had went to the temple to offer prayers to Grandma... i remember that it was early and i was there with Jonas, Jovan and the maid as Siong was stuck in NDP Meeting.
I remember I told Grandma that I loved her and I missed her so much.

I recalled for that evening i was in a semi dazed.. I was very exhausted and i was asking myself if Grandma was really gone.. such a joke.. of course .....

its 100 days today

Its 100 days today... time really flies..
i fnally managed to get the lotus flower stickers yesterday.. but did not have a chance to go to the temple to stick it on.....

Looking for the Lotus Flower sticker

its been a really tiring day.. i went to Godness of Mercy Temple at Waterloo.. we had vegetarian brunch at the shop that we had frequentted during those 49 days. After that, i went to look for the stickers.
Its the 1st time that i had an opportunity to go to the temple after granny's 49 days..
But i did not manage to find suitable stickers.. only 1 shop sells them. It was either very big. Each sticker was about my size of the middle of my palm. Please. my hand not small ok.... Or it was very small and very colorful.. it does not potrait that feeling of peacefulness. I went to all the shops around the temple as well as Fu Lu Shou. But none of them carries the ones that i saw previously. It was so maddening..
i had orginally wanted to cross over to the shops opp at Rocher Center.. but Jonas and Jovan looked so shagged under the hot sun that i did not dare to mention it.
I told myself.. i must find it before the 100 days... Its on July 14. Most prob we will be having prayers on the weekend after that..

Photos....................

There had been quite a few gathering among the family recently. PotLuck at dad shop, bowling sessions and most recently, a bbq at Pasir Ris Park to celebrate Father's Day.
It's the first time that we celebrate Father's Day together as an extended family. We always used to celebrate Mother's Day because of Granny. This year we did not as it still hurt too much..
I was looking at the photos that Siong had taken and mumbling to myself why we had never organized such outings before.. were we really so busy with our own lives that we had forgotten about our cousins, aunties & uncles..
I told Siong... next time.. even if my kids get married and have kids.. everyone has to come back for dinner once a week or fortnightly.. i recalled a saying 'Family that eat together.. bond together'. i recalled a time long ago that my cousins will all come for dinner regularly.. i cant recalled why that practice was stopped...maybe things will have been different...
Few days ago.. i walked into my bro's room and saw his ROM, wedding photos pasted on his cupboard.. Grandma was smiling in each photo... she looked so pleased and proud and happy in them. Tears started streaming down....
Today, i went in to look at those photos again.. i called Jovan into the room and asked him who that was.. he replied .. "Mah Mah"... thats how he called her.. he remembered her.. how proud i was of him and yet how sad i were..

Photos............

I've been wanting to write but just couldn't find the time to do so when work has been so busy..
i've not even had time to update the house rules for the new maid.. so many things to do .. so little time..
We had a few family gathering recently.. the dinner at my dad place, the bowling sessions and most recentlt, the Father's Day celebration at Pasir Ris Park.
I was looking at the photos that Siong took and i mumbled to myself..'why didn't we plan any of these last time' and the answer i got from Siong was that 'everyone was always so busy with our own lives.... family always bond closer after incident happen'
Yesterday, i went into my brother's room and noticed that he had pasted numerous photos that was taken with Grandma on his ROM and Wedding on his cupboard. I was dumbstruck and i got emotional.
My stack of photos was kept in the bookshelf, placed at an adjacent angle so that it is not directly visible. On certain night, i would take it out for a look before i go to sleep... how i missed her so...

Days passed by..unknowingly

Days seems to be really flying past by.. its 75th day.. 100th day will be on July 14...
have i goten over the death of grandma... have the rest of the family gotten over it...
whenever i go to my dad shop..after all patients had left & only family members are they.. he will play a cd with the chinese prayer chants... that will recalled my memories of the days where there was always chanting.. be it at the void deck or at my parents place during that 49 days....
looking at the red tape at the void deck will also trigger the memories of those 5 days... how i wish i can just tear it off...... but so what.... some memories will always be there..

nowadays.. whenever i pass by a wake..i will wonder... how did the person passed away.. are his/her family members as sad as we were... are they coping well

My memories of Granny

My memory of Granny........
i was the eldest grandchilren and Granny had doted on me .. till 2 years later when my brother came along.. wah la.....he became the favourite grandchild as Granny still has the old thinking of sons are better than daughters..
I recalled being made to share things with brother.. i recalled Granny made Milo bread for brother and i have to argue with her for a share . eventually i learn how to make my own Milo bread ( i called it Milo biscuit. by compressing a sandwich of Milo bread till they are very flat.. it became much chewy).. i remember Granny scolding because we did not cover the big tin of milo properly..

i remember Granny holding my hands and walking along the road alongside the rochor canal behind Selegie house.. thats where i had stepped on her slipper and caused her to fall and broke her arm.. i remembered i panicked and was crying while Granny was trying her best to console me even though she must have in pain. .

I remember Granny bringing me & brother and uncle & father & GuGu all to this old apartment on sun morning for cleaning.. ikt was located on a small slope behind Peace Center ..her friend is the caretaker of the apartment and we are in charge of cleaning the corridor and stairs during the weekend. I remember it was the highlight of my life then.. we would bring brooms and cloth to the top of the stairs ( i remember it was less than 10 storey and the stairs were partial spiral). i remember it was so much fun.. washing all the way to the 1st floor.. it was like a water play.. uncle or father will hold the hose and spray the waters...and sometime after that .. we would get to go to this small playground where there is a swing.

I remember waking up everyday to a cup of milo before going to school.. me, brother & sister were all treated to a cup of milo...its a must before we go school as we dont usually eat breakfast..

I remember Granny cooking porridge every day for lunch with her signature dishes of pork and stir fry vege.. all in soya sauce when i was schooling. Father was driving taxi at that time.. Granny will always scoop a big bowl of porridge once it was cooked, add a raw egg to it and pile on more porridge and quickly cover it.. This is Father's every day lunch. That was Granny's way of showing love to Father.. to everyone.. ensuring that we are all fully fed and are not hungry.

I remember calling Granny more often than calling my parents when i was studying in Australia..i remember her telling me to be good to my mother in law.. i remember she telling me how to take care of myself when she learnt that i was pregnant with Jonas.. i remember being almost on the phone with her every day when i was in the office .. i remember she telling Mother to cook Pig Stomach Soup for me after i gave birth to Jonas.. i remember she prepared the thinly sliced ginger for me to mixed in water and drink during confinement.. she had spent a lot of time to slice it into thin shreds.. i recalled she even told me that she had learnt to use the mircowave to baked it dry and it is much faster than putting it out to sun

i remember calling Granny to complain about how diffcult it was to look after Jonas and i recalled she was telling me that i was worst.. i will stick to her like glue when i was young and how she could not even go to watch opera in peace without Father having to bring me to look for her in the middle of the show.

i remember all these small small incidents... but somehow.. somewhere... i began to draw further away from her... i began to call her less often.. it all started when she started having dementia.. when she started to change.. when i became the bad granddaughter that wanted to send her to old folks home.. i was so hurt.. so much so that i stopped calling her.. so much so that i withdrew from her..so much so that i became more impatient with her.. i raised my voice at her. i cannot accept it.. i cannot accept the Granny that always chatted with me had became like this.. much as i told myself.. i cant treat her this way.. i still end up losing my temper at her.. i still end up pushing her away..

There is nothing that i can do now.. i deserve it ..was what i had told myself... when Siong grandma passed away.. Siong had told me that i must not have regrets.. that i must treasure the loved ones around me while i can.. and yet i am still having regrets...I did not learn...
Humans are like that i guess.. we will only learn how to treasure when it is too late..

Granny.. i will miss you.. thank you for bringing me up.. thank you for everything..

The 49th Day -- May 24 Sunday

The day finally came.. 49th day since Granny passed away..
i remember i woke up with mixed feelings.. We will have to send Granny back to the temple for her final resting place.. to be reunited with Grandpa.

i was feeling really strange..not sure if i am happy that i can finally eat meat after today or sad that i can no longer buy food for Granny to eat..
I remember i was in a daze though i tried to hide it...

I had tried my best to chant prayers during these 49 days even though i did not manage to do it everyday.. you are supposed to chant it 108 times so that it will be good for Granny. I did.... i tried to do it every few days.. sometime.. work swarmed me so much that i could only chant when i was travelling in between locations/meetings... I even devised a way to move my fingers so that i can keep count of 108. i remember telling Siong i can still hear the chants in my head even though no one is saying it. I was chanting prayers silently in my heart when i was folding the joss paper ingots on the saturday evening.

We went to the temple.. did all the prayers as instructed.. we were told to tell Granny that she will be staying here from now onwards and asking her to bless her children and grandchildren.. when we saw Granny's tablet beside Grandpa and her photo was visible to all as a significant that she has finally came back to the temple.. i was feeling so miserable..
i remember thinking that i would no longer to be able to offer Granny any of her favourite food.. i was thinking that she will be alone here...... I remember that photo which was how Granny used to look like when i was small...

i had brought a small stock of flowers to her new house thinking that we can stick it on her house.. well. it will be removed after we leave.. was what we were told.. i will go & look for the lotus stickers to paste instead and on one can remove it then..

Last Day of Wake - Jonas's questions on angels.. written on 16 May

It was the last day of the wake.
we could no longer hold back our tears as we prepared for the final prayers and rituals to send Granny off.. again.............................

We proceed to the temple for the cremation.. we had been reminded that we are not supposed to cry… Granny would feel the pain if she hear us cry and her soul cant leave her body.. we all don’t want that.. we all held back our tears…

I remember Jonas asking me what is happening to Granny now on the bus to the temple... I told him… she will become an angel.. like the stars in the sky.. each star is an angel and each time we looked up and see stars.. Granny will be there watching us.. I was not prepared at all to explain to him and I am glad I managed to answer his question. He asked about how angels fly.. no one teach Granny how to fly.. how can Granny eat food.. we cant see angels.. but will we see the food that Granny eat travelling down her intestines.. it was at that moment that I could smile.. smile at the innocent questions that jonas had asked… I heard my cousins smiling away too and even breaking out into a laugh.. I am sure Granny will be assured that we are coping well… she will be smiling away at Jonas questions too..

Recount of the past 42 days... written on 17 May

I had to pen this down so that I can let go.. but can I really let go…or am i penning it down so that I will remember it..
42 days ago at this time…in the wee morning hours of 5 Apr… did Granny suffered a stroke around this time…what causes her to have brain hemorrhage?
Did something happen that trigger it… was there anything that anyone of us could have done?
We had slept late that day. Also around this time..a rare time where we had finally managed to catch a video.. I cant even remember the title of it…..
We woke up at 4am in the morning to go to Hougang to meet at 5am for tomb sweeping for Siong’s grandparents.. was something already happening to Granny then….
I received a call that I had never expected before at 7am in the morning. It came from my cousin saying that Granny is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.. I remembered we had just finished praying for his uncle and on way to his grandfather’s tomb. We had just found a parking lot.
My mind went blank…………. I can find myself shivering as I told Siong that Granny is on way to hospital. That my cousin told me that they cant wake Granny up… I don’t recall if it is was Adeline or Stef that called me..we had to rush to hospital was my only thought.. Granny has to be ok was all that I can keep telling myself….i was hugging Jovan closely to me on the whole journey to the hospital. Though I keep telling Siong not to drive too fast but I was shivering.. I could not control my fear… my fear of not being able to see Granny.. she is on the way to A&E at Tan Tock Seng Hospital..
It was really terrible to hear the neuro surgeon explained that there is nothing that can be done to save Granny. That she has too much bleeding in her brain. The CT scan was so horrible.. I will forever remember that image.. 75 to 80% of the brain was covered in blood..there is no cure for such a scenarios….the doctor could only do their best to make her comfortable.. for her to leave comfortably…
Looking at her.. lying on the bed.. she looked so thin…its as if she had lost a lot of weight just over that few hours.. I had just picked her up from Uncle’s place on Friday…. I remembered that it was originally supposed to be Qin that was supposed to pick her up. .. I am so glad that I had the chance to do so.. the chance to hold her hand as we walked down the stairs to the car…. The very hand that I held in the hospital.. except her hand then was so warm… I cant believe it…. I was still talking to her & raising my voice to her as usual on fri night and on sun morning.. I was looking at her.. lying in the hospital… I know it must had been even worst for my dad as he had just brought Granny to the Chinese Garden & bro & Anny had brought Granny out for dinner on sat night before sending her back to Uncle’s place.
Jonas and Jovan were at the hospital.. I asked Jonas to say his farewell to Granny…. He call her ‘Mah Mah’… he was hesitant in touching her. Guess he was scared.. especially when Granny was just lying there.. surrounded by all the equipments that were monitoring her vital sighs and not moving at all. But he is a very brave boy.. he did exactly what was told… Granny.. aren’t u proud of yr great grandson?
We all said our farewell to Granny.. taking turns to hold her hands.. to stroke her forehead.. it was just too much to bear….i believe most of us had regrets.. words/actions that we would never had a chance to say/do with her…

The Tan Family Blog

I was wondering how i can keep my promise to Granny to keep the family together and i realised that we can blog..
well.. it doesnt have to the 1st generation (our parents, uncles & aunties) that blogs.. it can be us.. the grandchildren who does it since most of us are tech savy..
(well.. my cousins are definetly spending more time on the net than me in their free time)

So Cousins.. welcome to the Tan Family Blog..
(haha.. doesn't that sound familar ..esp when we just heard about the Tan Family Fund)

This blog will provide an avenue for us Cousins to keep each other updated as well as store any photos that we will take during our gatherings together

I know some of us might feel that its so ironical that we are doing it after Granny's death..i did feel that way too when i was exploring this idea.. but i agree... we must all move on and must learn how to treasure our loved ones before we have any more regrets.

I am sure that will be what Granny wants to... knowing her love & devotion to the family and all her loved ones... i am sure she want us to be happy and be at peace at ourselves. Whatever that had happened .. had happened.. we cant reverse it.. much as we want to.. whatever regrets we had.. we have to ensure that they are not repeated...

So.. Welcome .. welcome and welcome to the Tan Family Blog..
:)