Recount of the past 42 days... written on 17 May

I had to pen this down so that I can let go.. but can I really let go…or am i penning it down so that I will remember it..
42 days ago at this time…in the wee morning hours of 5 Apr… did Granny suffered a stroke around this time…what causes her to have brain hemorrhage?
Did something happen that trigger it… was there anything that anyone of us could have done?
We had slept late that day. Also around this time..a rare time where we had finally managed to catch a video.. I cant even remember the title of it…..
We woke up at 4am in the morning to go to Hougang to meet at 5am for tomb sweeping for Siong’s grandparents.. was something already happening to Granny then….
I received a call that I had never expected before at 7am in the morning. It came from my cousin saying that Granny is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.. I remembered we had just finished praying for his uncle and on way to his grandfather’s tomb. We had just found a parking lot.
My mind went blank…………. I can find myself shivering as I told Siong that Granny is on way to hospital. That my cousin told me that they cant wake Granny up… I don’t recall if it is was Adeline or Stef that called me..we had to rush to hospital was my only thought.. Granny has to be ok was all that I can keep telling myself….i was hugging Jovan closely to me on the whole journey to the hospital. Though I keep telling Siong not to drive too fast but I was shivering.. I could not control my fear… my fear of not being able to see Granny.. she is on the way to A&E at Tan Tock Seng Hospital..
It was really terrible to hear the neuro surgeon explained that there is nothing that can be done to save Granny. That she has too much bleeding in her brain. The CT scan was so horrible.. I will forever remember that image.. 75 to 80% of the brain was covered in blood..there is no cure for such a scenarios….the doctor could only do their best to make her comfortable.. for her to leave comfortably…
Looking at her.. lying on the bed.. she looked so thin…its as if she had lost a lot of weight just over that few hours.. I had just picked her up from Uncle’s place on Friday…. I remembered that it was originally supposed to be Qin that was supposed to pick her up. .. I am so glad that I had the chance to do so.. the chance to hold her hand as we walked down the stairs to the car…. The very hand that I held in the hospital.. except her hand then was so warm… I cant believe it…. I was still talking to her & raising my voice to her as usual on fri night and on sun morning.. I was looking at her.. lying in the hospital… I know it must had been even worst for my dad as he had just brought Granny to the Chinese Garden & bro & Anny had brought Granny out for dinner on sat night before sending her back to Uncle’s place.
Jonas and Jovan were at the hospital.. I asked Jonas to say his farewell to Granny…. He call her ‘Mah Mah’… he was hesitant in touching her. Guess he was scared.. especially when Granny was just lying there.. surrounded by all the equipments that were monitoring her vital sighs and not moving at all. But he is a very brave boy.. he did exactly what was told… Granny.. aren’t u proud of yr great grandson?
We all said our farewell to Granny.. taking turns to hold her hands.. to stroke her forehead.. it was just too much to bear….i believe most of us had regrets.. words/actions that we would never had a chance to say/do with her…