My memory of Granny........
i was the eldest grandchilren and Granny had doted on me .. till 2 years later when my brother came along.. wah la.....he became the favourite grandchild as Granny still has the old thinking of sons are better than daughters..
I recalled being made to share things with brother.. i recalled Granny made Milo bread for brother and i have to argue with her for a share . eventually i learn how to make my own Milo bread ( i called it Milo biscuit. by compressing a sandwich of Milo bread till they are very flat.. it became much chewy).. i remember Granny scolding because we did not cover the big tin of milo properly..
i remember Granny holding my hands and walking along the road alongside the rochor canal behind Selegie house.. thats where i had stepped on her slipper and caused her to fall and broke her arm.. i remembered i panicked and was crying while Granny was trying her best to console me even though she must have in pain. .
I remember Granny bringing me & brother and uncle & father & GuGu all to this old apartment on sun morning for cleaning.. ikt was located on a small slope behind Peace Center ..her friend is the caretaker of the apartment and we are in charge of cleaning the corridor and stairs during the weekend. I remember it was the highlight of my life then.. we would bring brooms and cloth to the top of the stairs ( i remember it was less than 10 storey and the stairs were partial spiral). i remember it was so much fun.. washing all the way to the 1st floor.. it was like a water play.. uncle or father will hold the hose and spray the waters...and sometime after that .. we would get to go to this small playground where there is a swing.
I remember waking up everyday to a cup of milo before going to school.. me, brother & sister were all treated to a cup of milo...its a must before we go school as we dont usually eat breakfast..
I remember Granny cooking porridge every day for lunch with her signature dishes of pork and stir fry vege.. all in soya sauce when i was schooling. Father was driving taxi at that time.. Granny will always scoop a big bowl of porridge once it was cooked, add a raw egg to it and pile on more porridge and quickly cover it.. This is Father's every day lunch. That was Granny's way of showing love to Father.. to everyone.. ensuring that we are all fully fed and are not hungry.
I remember calling Granny more often than calling my parents when i was studying in Australia..i remember her telling me to be good to my mother in law.. i remember she telling me how to take care of myself when she learnt that i was pregnant with Jonas.. i remember being almost on the phone with her every day when i was in the office .. i remember she telling Mother to cook Pig Stomach Soup for me after i gave birth to Jonas.. i remember she prepared the thinly sliced ginger for me to mixed in water and drink during confinement.. she had spent a lot of time to slice it into thin shreds.. i recalled she even told me that she had learnt to use the mircowave to baked it dry and it is much faster than putting it out to sun
i remember calling Granny to complain about how diffcult it was to look after Jonas and i recalled she was telling me that i was worst.. i will stick to her like glue when i was young and how she could not even go to watch opera in peace without Father having to bring me to look for her in the middle of the show.
i remember all these small small incidents... but somehow.. somewhere... i began to draw further away from her... i began to call her less often.. it all started when she started having dementia.. when she started to change.. when i became the bad granddaughter that wanted to send her to old folks home.. i was so hurt.. so much so that i stopped calling her.. so much so that i withdrew from her..so much so that i became more impatient with her.. i raised my voice at her. i cannot accept it.. i cannot accept the Granny that always chatted with me had became like this.. much as i told myself.. i cant treat her this way.. i still end up losing my temper at her.. i still end up pushing her away..
There is nothing that i can do now.. i deserve it ..was what i had told myself... when Siong grandma passed away.. Siong had told me that i must not have regrets.. that i must treasure the loved ones around me while i can.. and yet i am still having regrets...I did not learn...
Humans are like that i guess.. we will only learn how to treasure when it is too late..
Granny.. i will miss you.. thank you for bringing me up.. thank you for everything..
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The 49th Day -- May 24 Sunday
The day finally came.. 49th day since Granny passed away..
i remember i woke up with mixed feelings.. We will have to send Granny back to the temple for her final resting place.. to be reunited with Grandpa.
i was feeling really strange..not sure if i am happy that i can finally eat meat after today or sad that i can no longer buy food for Granny to eat..
I remember i was in a daze though i tried to hide it...
I had tried my best to chant prayers during these 49 days even though i did not manage to do it everyday.. you are supposed to chant it 108 times so that it will be good for Granny. I did.... i tried to do it every few days.. sometime.. work swarmed me so much that i could only chant when i was travelling in between locations/meetings... I even devised a way to move my fingers so that i can keep count of 108. i remember telling Siong i can still hear the chants in my head even though no one is saying it. I was chanting prayers silently in my heart when i was folding the joss paper ingots on the saturday evening.
We went to the temple.. did all the prayers as instructed.. we were told to tell Granny that she will be staying here from now onwards and asking her to bless her children and grandchildren.. when we saw Granny's tablet beside Grandpa and her photo was visible to all as a significant that she has finally came back to the temple.. i was feeling so miserable..
i remember thinking that i would no longer to be able to offer Granny any of her favourite food.. i was thinking that she will be alone here...... I remember that photo which was how Granny used to look like when i was small...
i had brought a small stock of flowers to her new house thinking that we can stick it on her house.. well. it will be removed after we leave.. was what we were told.. i will go & look for the lotus stickers to paste instead and on one can remove it then..
i remember i woke up with mixed feelings.. We will have to send Granny back to the temple for her final resting place.. to be reunited with Grandpa.
i was feeling really strange..not sure if i am happy that i can finally eat meat after today or sad that i can no longer buy food for Granny to eat..
I remember i was in a daze though i tried to hide it...
I had tried my best to chant prayers during these 49 days even though i did not manage to do it everyday.. you are supposed to chant it 108 times so that it will be good for Granny. I did.... i tried to do it every few days.. sometime.. work swarmed me so much that i could only chant when i was travelling in between locations/meetings... I even devised a way to move my fingers so that i can keep count of 108. i remember telling Siong i can still hear the chants in my head even though no one is saying it. I was chanting prayers silently in my heart when i was folding the joss paper ingots on the saturday evening.
We went to the temple.. did all the prayers as instructed.. we were told to tell Granny that she will be staying here from now onwards and asking her to bless her children and grandchildren.. when we saw Granny's tablet beside Grandpa and her photo was visible to all as a significant that she has finally came back to the temple.. i was feeling so miserable..
i remember thinking that i would no longer to be able to offer Granny any of her favourite food.. i was thinking that she will be alone here...... I remember that photo which was how Granny used to look like when i was small...
i had brought a small stock of flowers to her new house thinking that we can stick it on her house.. well. it will be removed after we leave.. was what we were told.. i will go & look for the lotus stickers to paste instead and on one can remove it then..
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Last Day of Wake - Jonas's questions on angels.. written on 16 May
It was the last day of the wake.
we could no longer hold back our tears as we prepared for the final prayers and rituals to send Granny off.. again.............................
We proceed to the temple for the cremation.. we had been reminded that we are not supposed to cry… Granny would feel the pain if she hear us cry and her soul cant leave her body.. we all don’t want that.. we all held back our tears…
I remember Jonas asking me what is happening to Granny now on the bus to the temple... I told him… she will become an angel.. like the stars in the sky.. each star is an angel and each time we looked up and see stars.. Granny will be there watching us.. I was not prepared at all to explain to him and I am glad I managed to answer his question. He asked about how angels fly.. no one teach Granny how to fly.. how can Granny eat food.. we cant see angels.. but will we see the food that Granny eat travelling down her intestines.. it was at that moment that I could smile.. smile at the innocent questions that jonas had asked… I heard my cousins smiling away too and even breaking out into a laugh.. I am sure Granny will be assured that we are coping well… she will be smiling away at Jonas questions too..
we could no longer hold back our tears as we prepared for the final prayers and rituals to send Granny off.. again.............................
We proceed to the temple for the cremation.. we had been reminded that we are not supposed to cry… Granny would feel the pain if she hear us cry and her soul cant leave her body.. we all don’t want that.. we all held back our tears…
I remember Jonas asking me what is happening to Granny now on the bus to the temple... I told him… she will become an angel.. like the stars in the sky.. each star is an angel and each time we looked up and see stars.. Granny will be there watching us.. I was not prepared at all to explain to him and I am glad I managed to answer his question. He asked about how angels fly.. no one teach Granny how to fly.. how can Granny eat food.. we cant see angels.. but will we see the food that Granny eat travelling down her intestines.. it was at that moment that I could smile.. smile at the innocent questions that jonas had asked… I heard my cousins smiling away too and even breaking out into a laugh.. I am sure Granny will be assured that we are coping well… she will be smiling away at Jonas questions too..
Recount of the past 42 days... written on 17 May
I had to pen this down so that I can let go.. but can I really let go…or am i penning it down so that I will remember it..
42 days ago at this time…in the wee morning hours of 5 Apr… did Granny suffered a stroke around this time…what causes her to have brain hemorrhage?
Did something happen that trigger it… was there anything that anyone of us could have done?
We had slept late that day. Also around this time..a rare time where we had finally managed to catch a video.. I cant even remember the title of it…..
We woke up at 4am in the morning to go to Hougang to meet at 5am for tomb sweeping for Siong’s grandparents.. was something already happening to Granny then….
I received a call that I had never expected before at 7am in the morning. It came from my cousin saying that Granny is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.. I remembered we had just finished praying for his uncle and on way to his grandfather’s tomb. We had just found a parking lot.
My mind went blank…………. I can find myself shivering as I told Siong that Granny is on way to hospital. That my cousin told me that they cant wake Granny up… I don’t recall if it is was Adeline or Stef that called me..we had to rush to hospital was my only thought.. Granny has to be ok was all that I can keep telling myself….i was hugging Jovan closely to me on the whole journey to the hospital. Though I keep telling Siong not to drive too fast but I was shivering.. I could not control my fear… my fear of not being able to see Granny.. she is on the way to A&E at Tan Tock Seng Hospital..
It was really terrible to hear the neuro surgeon explained that there is nothing that can be done to save Granny. That she has too much bleeding in her brain. The CT scan was so horrible.. I will forever remember that image.. 75 to 80% of the brain was covered in blood..there is no cure for such a scenarios….the doctor could only do their best to make her comfortable.. for her to leave comfortably…
Looking at her.. lying on the bed.. she looked so thin…its as if she had lost a lot of weight just over that few hours.. I had just picked her up from Uncle’s place on Friday…. I remembered that it was originally supposed to be Qin that was supposed to pick her up. .. I am so glad that I had the chance to do so.. the chance to hold her hand as we walked down the stairs to the car…. The very hand that I held in the hospital.. except her hand then was so warm… I cant believe it…. I was still talking to her & raising my voice to her as usual on fri night and on sun morning.. I was looking at her.. lying in the hospital… I know it must had been even worst for my dad as he had just brought Granny to the Chinese Garden & bro & Anny had brought Granny out for dinner on sat night before sending her back to Uncle’s place.
Jonas and Jovan were at the hospital.. I asked Jonas to say his farewell to Granny…. He call her ‘Mah Mah’… he was hesitant in touching her. Guess he was scared.. especially when Granny was just lying there.. surrounded by all the equipments that were monitoring her vital sighs and not moving at all. But he is a very brave boy.. he did exactly what was told… Granny.. aren’t u proud of yr great grandson?
We all said our farewell to Granny.. taking turns to hold her hands.. to stroke her forehead.. it was just too much to bear….i believe most of us had regrets.. words/actions that we would never had a chance to say/do with her…
42 days ago at this time…in the wee morning hours of 5 Apr… did Granny suffered a stroke around this time…what causes her to have brain hemorrhage?
Did something happen that trigger it… was there anything that anyone of us could have done?
We had slept late that day. Also around this time..a rare time where we had finally managed to catch a video.. I cant even remember the title of it…..
We woke up at 4am in the morning to go to Hougang to meet at 5am for tomb sweeping for Siong’s grandparents.. was something already happening to Granny then….
I received a call that I had never expected before at 7am in the morning. It came from my cousin saying that Granny is on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.. I remembered we had just finished praying for his uncle and on way to his grandfather’s tomb. We had just found a parking lot.
My mind went blank…………. I can find myself shivering as I told Siong that Granny is on way to hospital. That my cousin told me that they cant wake Granny up… I don’t recall if it is was Adeline or Stef that called me..we had to rush to hospital was my only thought.. Granny has to be ok was all that I can keep telling myself….i was hugging Jovan closely to me on the whole journey to the hospital. Though I keep telling Siong not to drive too fast but I was shivering.. I could not control my fear… my fear of not being able to see Granny.. she is on the way to A&E at Tan Tock Seng Hospital..
It was really terrible to hear the neuro surgeon explained that there is nothing that can be done to save Granny. That she has too much bleeding in her brain. The CT scan was so horrible.. I will forever remember that image.. 75 to 80% of the brain was covered in blood..there is no cure for such a scenarios….the doctor could only do their best to make her comfortable.. for her to leave comfortably…
Looking at her.. lying on the bed.. she looked so thin…its as if she had lost a lot of weight just over that few hours.. I had just picked her up from Uncle’s place on Friday…. I remembered that it was originally supposed to be Qin that was supposed to pick her up. .. I am so glad that I had the chance to do so.. the chance to hold her hand as we walked down the stairs to the car…. The very hand that I held in the hospital.. except her hand then was so warm… I cant believe it…. I was still talking to her & raising my voice to her as usual on fri night and on sun morning.. I was looking at her.. lying in the hospital… I know it must had been even worst for my dad as he had just brought Granny to the Chinese Garden & bro & Anny had brought Granny out for dinner on sat night before sending her back to Uncle’s place.
Jonas and Jovan were at the hospital.. I asked Jonas to say his farewell to Granny…. He call her ‘Mah Mah’… he was hesitant in touching her. Guess he was scared.. especially when Granny was just lying there.. surrounded by all the equipments that were monitoring her vital sighs and not moving at all. But he is a very brave boy.. he did exactly what was told… Granny.. aren’t u proud of yr great grandson?
We all said our farewell to Granny.. taking turns to hold her hands.. to stroke her forehead.. it was just too much to bear….i believe most of us had regrets.. words/actions that we would never had a chance to say/do with her…
The Tan Family Blog
I was wondering how i can keep my promise to Granny to keep the family together and i realised that we can blog..
well.. it doesnt have to the 1st generation (our parents, uncles & aunties) that blogs.. it can be us.. the grandchildren who does it since most of us are tech savy..
(well.. my cousins are definetly spending more time on the net than me in their free time)
So Cousins.. welcome to the Tan Family Blog..
(haha.. doesn't that sound familar ..esp when we just heard about the Tan Family Fund)
This blog will provide an avenue for us Cousins to keep each other updated as well as store any photos that we will take during our gatherings together
I know some of us might feel that its so ironical that we are doing it after Granny's death..i did feel that way too when i was exploring this idea.. but i agree... we must all move on and must learn how to treasure our loved ones before we have any more regrets.
I am sure that will be what Granny wants to... knowing her love & devotion to the family and all her loved ones... i am sure she want us to be happy and be at peace at ourselves. Whatever that had happened .. had happened.. we cant reverse it.. much as we want to.. whatever regrets we had.. we have to ensure that they are not repeated...
So.. Welcome .. welcome and welcome to the Tan Family Blog..
:)
well.. it doesnt have to the 1st generation (our parents, uncles & aunties) that blogs.. it can be us.. the grandchildren who does it since most of us are tech savy..
(well.. my cousins are definetly spending more time on the net than me in their free time)
So Cousins.. welcome to the Tan Family Blog..
(haha.. doesn't that sound familar ..esp when we just heard about the Tan Family Fund)
This blog will provide an avenue for us Cousins to keep each other updated as well as store any photos that we will take during our gatherings together
I know some of us might feel that its so ironical that we are doing it after Granny's death..i did feel that way too when i was exploring this idea.. but i agree... we must all move on and must learn how to treasure our loved ones before we have any more regrets.
I am sure that will be what Granny wants to... knowing her love & devotion to the family and all her loved ones... i am sure she want us to be happy and be at peace at ourselves. Whatever that had happened .. had happened.. we cant reverse it.. much as we want to.. whatever regrets we had.. we have to ensure that they are not repeated...
So.. Welcome .. welcome and welcome to the Tan Family Blog..
:)
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